Driving into Tucson, AZ is one of my favorite things. The smell of the desert, the glorious mountains that surround the city, the sunsets. There's nothing like going home.
We arrived at my Mom's and my whole body began to relax. I was tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My Mom and I sat together outside, and immediately my phone buzzed. It was J*** asking how I was and if I was home yet. She was still being overly sweet. I told her no, and that I was in AZ with my Mom. "Tell her "hi" for me", J*** said! "Mom, J*** says "hi". My Mom didn't seem to know what to say. What kinda twilight zone was I in?! My birth mother was messaging me while I was sitting next to my Mom.
Mom and I sat there talking and hugging. My heart was full, I had my Mom and she was everything I needed her to be in that moment. I felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that she was my Mom. I told her how grateful I was for her. I apologized for any hurt I had ever caused. Andi and I were so lucky to have her and she needed to know that.
Over the next few days, we spent time with my Mom, Andi, her kids, my best friend, Shelly, and her boys. Andi and I ate Eegee's, laughed with our kids and hugged a lot. It felt so good to be with the sister I was so close to, my OG sister. Conversations were natural and comfortable. We talked about each person we had met on this unbelievable journey of ours. We felt like we had won the lottery with siblings.
Mom and I cuddled in bed and made cookies with the kids. Shelly and I had deep, long conversations while letting our kids play. My soul was recharging.
Soon, it was time to head to CA. First stop, San Diego!
For those of you who have never been to CA, go! It's a beautiful, healing place. The salty air, sunshine, happy, non judgemental people. I was glad to be back in the company of the Hopper side.
Jennie and Jaime were a breath of fresh air. Flowing black hair surrounds each of them. Jennie was so spunky and funny. Jaime, a little more reserved but enjoying Jennie's over the top humor. My brother Jimmy was slender, and stood about 5'8 I'd guess. He dressed well and had great confidence. Jimmy had cheeks that kinda puffed out at his jaw, just like mine. I had always hated this about myself, but not anymore. Now it was something I shared with Jimmy, and I was honored. Jimmy was sarcastic, quick witted, and sometimes inappropriate, but in the most hilarious ways. Jennie and Jaime adored him, he adored them. He was a good Father.
Within that time, I also met Nancy's daughter, Jessica, and her adorable son, Oreo. Jessica was quieter and had an unmistakable maturity for her age. A natural beauty.
We all spent our days being tourists, eating tacos, and walking on the beach. I laughed so much my cheeks hurt. The kids were playing in sprinklers, on the beach and with Jimmy. He was a natural with kids and they loved every moment of his attention.
Next, we were off to Morro Bay to meet Robin! The drive was breathtaking, even though the car A/C had stopped working. We rolled the windows down and I got each child their own massive cup of ice to keep them cool.
Robin and her husband, Rob, were over the moon excited to see us. Robin was about my height, and had a happiness that beamed from within. I felt instantly relaxed around her. Being around Robin and Rob felt natural. Her close family filled the house, each person accepting, open and welcoming. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be a part of this family. We spent our days chatting, laughing, kayaking with the kids and taking long walks.
Lots of hugs later, it was time to head out to Bakersfield, where my Aunt Wilma lives. Where my birth father grew up. We drove through oil fields as far as the eye could see. Dry, open land.
Aunt Wilma and Teff were thrilled to see us arrive. Both of them were so tall! I could see some of my own facial features in Aunt Wilma. My eyelids specifically were the same! Wilma was quick witted and thoughtful. We spent our days laughing, and of course, eating yummy food. I taught her to make yogurt. Soon it was time to head out.
Next, we were on our way to Porterville to meet our cousins Greg and Dave, but, there was an important stop we needed to make before that. David's parents.
David was raised by a lovely couple in CA. Andi and I had actually met them before we were given up for adoption. It was my understanding before meeting them that J*** had given up David because he had a heart defect, and she couldn't afford to help him. When David was placed with Yvonne and John, J*** had visitations with him and Andi and I were there with J***. That made this reunion really emotional. If J*** had left us in CA with David, these would have been our parents!
Yvonne and John exude love. We were greeted with bear hugs that lasted minutes. I could have hugged them forever. We decided to pick up some food, and stop at a little park along the side of a road. Yvonne began talking, telling me about David, telling me about the condition she had received David in. She was gentle and smooth in the way she was telling me. She told me these truths with no judgment in her voice. These were just facts. Those facts cut me like a knife. She had gotten David at 3 months, he weighed 5 pounds. He had been left alone in a room, in the dark. He lost his ability to suck, his will to live. Yvonne called him baby bird as she nursed him back to health, feeding him with a dropper. It took him a year to smile and make eye contact. Even premature and with a heart condition, there was no excuse I could make for J***.
It was there, on the side of that road on my way to Porterville, that Tisba died. I couldn't imagine her anymore. I couldn't escape into the fantasy life I had made for her anymore. She was gone.
"5 pounds at 3 months. 5 pounds at 3 months. 5 pounds at 3 months." These words echoed in my head as we packed up and drove to my cousin's house.
Greg and his family had a really cool house filled with dogs, lovely people, and delicious food. Soon, my cousin Dave and his family arrived. His wife, Stephanie, is fun and outgoing, their daughters, funny and sarcastic. Dave and Greg were so much alike. It was obvious the two families were really comfortable with each other and really close. I was out of it. I tried to make conversation but I was stunned by what I had just learned. I felt like I was in a haze. I wasn't sure that what was coming out of my mouth was even making sense.
I woke up the next morning and chatted with Greg. He was so interesting to talk to. I wished I was more myself so I could focus, but I couldn't.
It was time to go again, and we were heading back to AZ, thank goodness.
We arrived at my Mom's and my whole body began to relax. I was tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My Mom and I sat together outside, and immediately my phone buzzed. It was J*** asking how I was and if I was home yet. She was still being overly sweet. I told her no, and that I was in AZ with my Mom. "Tell her "hi" for me", J*** said! "Mom, J*** says "hi". My Mom didn't seem to know what to say. What kinda twilight zone was I in?! My birth mother was messaging me while I was sitting next to my Mom.
Mom and I sat there talking and hugging. My heart was full, I had my Mom and she was everything I needed her to be in that moment. I felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that she was my Mom. I told her how grateful I was for her. I apologized for any hurt I had ever caused. Andi and I were so lucky to have her and she needed to know that.
Over the next few days, we spent time with my Mom, Andi, her kids, my best friend, Shelly, and her boys. Andi and I ate Eegee's, laughed with our kids and hugged a lot. It felt so good to be with the sister I was so close to, my OG sister. Conversations were natural and comfortable. We talked about each person we had met on this unbelievable journey of ours. We felt like we had won the lottery with siblings.
Mom and I cuddled in bed and made cookies with the kids. Shelly and I had deep, long conversations while letting our kids play. My soul was recharging.
Soon, it was time to head to CA. First stop, San Diego!
For those of you who have never been to CA, go! It's a beautiful, healing place. The salty air, sunshine, happy, non judgemental people. I was glad to be back in the company of the Hopper side.
Jennie and Jaime were a breath of fresh air. Flowing black hair surrounds each of them. Jennie was so spunky and funny. Jaime, a little more reserved but enjoying Jennie's over the top humor. My brother Jimmy was slender, and stood about 5'8 I'd guess. He dressed well and had great confidence. Jimmy had cheeks that kinda puffed out at his jaw, just like mine. I had always hated this about myself, but not anymore. Now it was something I shared with Jimmy, and I was honored. Jimmy was sarcastic, quick witted, and sometimes inappropriate, but in the most hilarious ways. Jennie and Jaime adored him, he adored them. He was a good Father.
Within that time, I also met Nancy's daughter, Jessica, and her adorable son, Oreo. Jessica was quieter and had an unmistakable maturity for her age. A natural beauty.
We all spent our days being tourists, eating tacos, and walking on the beach. I laughed so much my cheeks hurt. The kids were playing in sprinklers, on the beach and with Jimmy. He was a natural with kids and they loved every moment of his attention.
Next, we were off to Morro Bay to meet Robin! The drive was breathtaking, even though the car A/C had stopped working. We rolled the windows down and I got each child their own massive cup of ice to keep them cool.
Robin and her husband, Rob, were over the moon excited to see us. Robin was about my height, and had a happiness that beamed from within. I felt instantly relaxed around her. Being around Robin and Rob felt natural. Her close family filled the house, each person accepting, open and welcoming. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be a part of this family. We spent our days chatting, laughing, kayaking with the kids and taking long walks.
Lots of hugs later, it was time to head out to Bakersfield, where my Aunt Wilma lives. Where my birth father grew up. We drove through oil fields as far as the eye could see. Dry, open land.
Aunt Wilma and Teff were thrilled to see us arrive. Both of them were so tall! I could see some of my own facial features in Aunt Wilma. My eyelids specifically were the same! Wilma was quick witted and thoughtful. We spent our days laughing, and of course, eating yummy food. I taught her to make yogurt. Soon it was time to head out.
Next, we were on our way to Porterville to meet our cousins Greg and Dave, but, there was an important stop we needed to make before that. David's parents.
David was raised by a lovely couple in CA. Andi and I had actually met them before we were given up for adoption. It was my understanding before meeting them that J*** had given up David because he had a heart defect, and she couldn't afford to help him. When David was placed with Yvonne and John, J*** had visitations with him and Andi and I were there with J***. That made this reunion really emotional. If J*** had left us in CA with David, these would have been our parents!
Yvonne and John exude love. We were greeted with bear hugs that lasted minutes. I could have hugged them forever. We decided to pick up some food, and stop at a little park along the side of a road. Yvonne began talking, telling me about David, telling me about the condition she had received David in. She was gentle and smooth in the way she was telling me. She told me these truths with no judgment in her voice. These were just facts. Those facts cut me like a knife. She had gotten David at 3 months, he weighed 5 pounds. He had been left alone in a room, in the dark. He lost his ability to suck, his will to live. Yvonne called him baby bird as she nursed him back to health, feeding him with a dropper. It took him a year to smile and make eye contact. Even premature and with a heart condition, there was no excuse I could make for J***.
It was there, on the side of that road on my way to Porterville, that Tisba died. I couldn't imagine her anymore. I couldn't escape into the fantasy life I had made for her anymore. She was gone.
"5 pounds at 3 months. 5 pounds at 3 months. 5 pounds at 3 months." These words echoed in my head as we packed up and drove to my cousin's house.
Greg and his family had a really cool house filled with dogs, lovely people, and delicious food. Soon, my cousin Dave and his family arrived. His wife, Stephanie, is fun and outgoing, their daughters, funny and sarcastic. Dave and Greg were so much alike. It was obvious the two families were really comfortable with each other and really close. I was out of it. I tried to make conversation but I was stunned by what I had just learned. I felt like I was in a haze. I wasn't sure that what was coming out of my mouth was even making sense.
I woke up the next morning and chatted with Greg. He was so interesting to talk to. I wished I was more myself so I could focus, but I couldn't.
It was time to go again, and we were heading back to AZ, thank goodness.
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