August 11th was also the day I lost it. J*** messaged me right after my talk with Kristi. J*** asked me to stop messaging her "peeps". "You mean MY FAMILY?!" I was heated. I should have sat the phone down and walked away, but I didn't. Rage was boiling up from my stomach, to my throat and through my texting fingers. I told her I had spoken to some of her children. That I knew what they had gone through. I told her I knew she had had a hard life, that she herself was a victim but that she had created 8 more victims. I told her it was her job to do better than the life she had, but she didn't. She chose to remain a victim. I put the phone down and sobbed. I felt terrible guilt. Who was I becoming?! Who was I to lash out like that?
A couple days later I messaged J***, telling her that I hadn't been a perfect mother either. That I was sorry I flew off the handle like that. We went back to messaging some but my guard was up.
A***** and I were messaging on and off. Some days we couldn't stop chatting, bonding over our love of music, then I wouldn't hear from her for weeks. My heart broke for B******* and A*****. This was their Mom and here I was throwing a bomb into the safe stories they had created for themselves. I was destroying their version of J***. I felt an enormous guilt. But I was here now. We were here now. Andi, myself, David. We were here now and we wouldn't be a secret anymore.
A few weeks later, my baby sister Stephanie, came to visit for the first time. She's such a sweet, damaged, tiny, beautiful little human. She and I are about the same height. She has long flowing hair, a petite frame, and the funniest laugh. I'd do just about anything to make that girl laugh. We talked for hours, cried together, laughed together, drank massive amounts of coffee, smoked pot, did crafts and sang 90's country songs, both of us knowing every word by heart. Being the youngest in my adoptive family, I lunged into being a big sister. Excited to give advice and be needed in that way.
Shortly after Stephanie left, David came to visit. I remember getting out of the car and seeing him for the first time. Our eyes fixed and my whole body felt tingly. This was our baby brother, David. Finally.
David was not much taller than me, with a petite frame and piercing green eyes. We hugged for a really long time, we hugged often. We spent our days walking at the park, going to coffee shops, and flying his drone. We held hands and he comforted me while I sobbed from time to time.
While David was here, I realized J*** had accepted my friend request that I had sent back in July, before things had gotten weird between she and I. My heart fell to my knees as I noticed she commented on a photo of David and I. Shortly after that Facebook message, I received a text from J***. "By the way, David is Lloyd's". "By the way?!?!" I thought?! "By the way?!" I was stunned but happy. Great! Now David can enjoy the Hopper side! He can cultivate these important relationships with what was now, the happier side of the family. If I'm honest, I wished Stephanie could be a Hopper too. Our birth father wasn't a good man, but at least he was gone and wasn't hurting anyone anymore and she would adore the Hopper siblings.
After Stephanie and David left, I went back into my sadness. I cried for J***. I cried for all my siblings. I cried in anger for the men who had taken advantage of J***. I wondered what her life would have been like if she had been treated with respect by men. I couldn't listen to music anymore, everything reminded me of this pain.
One early morning, while on the phone with my Mom, we came up with a plan. She had furniture in her house in AZ that she needed to get to my house in NC, so I'd take a long road trip out to AZ, stopping to meet this new family on the way. Once I got to AZ, I'd make a trip up to CA to meet family there as well. This trip was meant to get me out of this sadness and into a new state of mind. A healing trip.
Once J*** found out about this trip, her demeanor changed. She was no longer snipping at me at all! She was loving! Telling me how wonderful I was. How sorry she was for having left us. How proud she is of me! "Proud?" I thought. Proud of what?!
Finally, October 1, it was time to leave, and I was ready. I packed up the kids, our dog Annie and we were off. First stop, TN to meet Adriana, the cousin who had connected us at the beginning.
When we got to Adriana's house, they all came out and greeted us warmly, inviting us in for a homemade dinner. Adriana gave big, warm hugs, and so did her brother. Her brother's wife was comforting and calming to be around. They spoke very nicely of J***, showing me photos and telling me stories. They told me over and over what a rough life J*** had had. I wanted to remain calm, smile, listen to these stories and feel compassion. I didn't. I felt a rage come from the pit of my stomach and blurted out "Yeah, she was victim that created 8 other victims!" The words came fast, I couldn't take them back. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my hands and knees in my new cousins bathroom, trying to catch my breath.
Soon after, we left, we checked into the first hotel of the trip. The kids and I were asleep by 10. I was exhausted. I woke up at around 2 am with my heart racing. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. My face was sweaty and sticky. I couldn't breathe. I called Ange. She told me to head home if that's what I choose, but that she felt I should continue on. I called Andi. I told her I didn't think I could do this trip. I was a mess! Andi talked me through it and convinced me to keep going. I'm so grateful she did.
Our next stop was Missouri, to meet Kristi and Tyler. I was cautiously excited, but horribly nervous too.
Arriving in Missouri, I met with Tyler first. I swung the door open to the hotel and he said "Whoa! You look like Mom!" Tyler was tall and thin, he had a very calm energy. He reminded me a lot of David. He was helpful to strangers, polite and asked great questions. There was a sadness in him I felt right away. We sat in his car while he smoked and told me his story. It matched what I had heard before but to hear it come from his mouth. The hurt, the lifelong emotional scars that were left. My heart ached.
That evening we went to Kristi's house. Kristi was about my height with a big, beautiful smile that fills up the room. Her laugh is infectious and I felt comfortable with her immediately.
Her family greeted us with open arms and big hugs. Her husband, who I now affectionately refer to as "Hot Toddy", is tall and handsome, with a cool, deep voice. Kristi's 3 adorable children hugged us tight, they were so genuine. I was so impressed with how Kristi asked each of the children questions about themselves. It wasn't just about us, it was about the kids too.
We spent the next couple of days with Tyler, Kristi and their families. I fell in love with their kids, their dogs, them. The kids laughed like they had known each other forever. We watched silly movies, talked, cried, looked at photos, ate yummy food. We were learning to be a family.
With heavy hearts, we packed up the car and headed for Kansas to meet Rhonda and Anastasia, promising to stop by again on our way home.
Rhonda is a tiny little woman, she stands maybe 5'1 or so and gives the best hugs. Anastasia is a vibrant, joyful and blatantly honest. Quickly, Rhonda's house filled with her family from all over, excited to meet us. I told Rhonda about my nightly panic attacks and she said not to worry a bit. I could wake her up if I needed to. That night I woke up again around 2 in a panic, vomiting, sweating. I went into her room and she simply lifted the covers for me to lay down with her. My mind calmed, I slept. The next night I didn't wake up sick. I was comfortable there. My heart was safe there.
We spent our days cooking together, laughing, crying, playing with miniature horses, drinking coffee and playing with our dogs. Rhonda doled out endless hugs and support.
Next we were off to AZ, where I grew up. I welcomed the break from new meeting people, from the emotion of it all. I spent the next few days driving through the most beautiful parts of the United States, singing at the top of my lungs as I drove. (My poor children 😂)
**All 6 parts are now posted**
A couple days later I messaged J***, telling her that I hadn't been a perfect mother either. That I was sorry I flew off the handle like that. We went back to messaging some but my guard was up.
A***** and I were messaging on and off. Some days we couldn't stop chatting, bonding over our love of music, then I wouldn't hear from her for weeks. My heart broke for B******* and A*****. This was their Mom and here I was throwing a bomb into the safe stories they had created for themselves. I was destroying their version of J***. I felt an enormous guilt. But I was here now. We were here now. Andi, myself, David. We were here now and we wouldn't be a secret anymore.
A few weeks later, my baby sister Stephanie, came to visit for the first time. She's such a sweet, damaged, tiny, beautiful little human. She and I are about the same height. She has long flowing hair, a petite frame, and the funniest laugh. I'd do just about anything to make that girl laugh. We talked for hours, cried together, laughed together, drank massive amounts of coffee, smoked pot, did crafts and sang 90's country songs, both of us knowing every word by heart. Being the youngest in my adoptive family, I lunged into being a big sister. Excited to give advice and be needed in that way.
Shortly after Stephanie left, David came to visit. I remember getting out of the car and seeing him for the first time. Our eyes fixed and my whole body felt tingly. This was our baby brother, David. Finally.
David was not much taller than me, with a petite frame and piercing green eyes. We hugged for a really long time, we hugged often. We spent our days walking at the park, going to coffee shops, and flying his drone. We held hands and he comforted me while I sobbed from time to time.
While David was here, I realized J*** had accepted my friend request that I had sent back in July, before things had gotten weird between she and I. My heart fell to my knees as I noticed she commented on a photo of David and I. Shortly after that Facebook message, I received a text from J***. "By the way, David is Lloyd's". "By the way?!?!" I thought?! "By the way?!" I was stunned but happy. Great! Now David can enjoy the Hopper side! He can cultivate these important relationships with what was now, the happier side of the family. If I'm honest, I wished Stephanie could be a Hopper too. Our birth father wasn't a good man, but at least he was gone and wasn't hurting anyone anymore and she would adore the Hopper siblings.
After Stephanie and David left, I went back into my sadness. I cried for J***. I cried for all my siblings. I cried in anger for the men who had taken advantage of J***. I wondered what her life would have been like if she had been treated with respect by men. I couldn't listen to music anymore, everything reminded me of this pain.
One early morning, while on the phone with my Mom, we came up with a plan. She had furniture in her house in AZ that she needed to get to my house in NC, so I'd take a long road trip out to AZ, stopping to meet this new family on the way. Once I got to AZ, I'd make a trip up to CA to meet family there as well. This trip was meant to get me out of this sadness and into a new state of mind. A healing trip.
Once J*** found out about this trip, her demeanor changed. She was no longer snipping at me at all! She was loving! Telling me how wonderful I was. How sorry she was for having left us. How proud she is of me! "Proud?" I thought. Proud of what?!
Finally, October 1, it was time to leave, and I was ready. I packed up the kids, our dog Annie and we were off. First stop, TN to meet Adriana, the cousin who had connected us at the beginning.
When we got to Adriana's house, they all came out and greeted us warmly, inviting us in for a homemade dinner. Adriana gave big, warm hugs, and so did her brother. Her brother's wife was comforting and calming to be around. They spoke very nicely of J***, showing me photos and telling me stories. They told me over and over what a rough life J*** had had. I wanted to remain calm, smile, listen to these stories and feel compassion. I didn't. I felt a rage come from the pit of my stomach and blurted out "Yeah, she was victim that created 8 other victims!" The words came fast, I couldn't take them back. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my hands and knees in my new cousins bathroom, trying to catch my breath.
Soon after, we left, we checked into the first hotel of the trip. The kids and I were asleep by 10. I was exhausted. I woke up at around 2 am with my heart racing. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. My face was sweaty and sticky. I couldn't breathe. I called Ange. She told me to head home if that's what I choose, but that she felt I should continue on. I called Andi. I told her I didn't think I could do this trip. I was a mess! Andi talked me through it and convinced me to keep going. I'm so grateful she did.
Our next stop was Missouri, to meet Kristi and Tyler. I was cautiously excited, but horribly nervous too.
Arriving in Missouri, I met with Tyler first. I swung the door open to the hotel and he said "Whoa! You look like Mom!" Tyler was tall and thin, he had a very calm energy. He reminded me a lot of David. He was helpful to strangers, polite and asked great questions. There was a sadness in him I felt right away. We sat in his car while he smoked and told me his story. It matched what I had heard before but to hear it come from his mouth. The hurt, the lifelong emotional scars that were left. My heart ached.
That evening we went to Kristi's house. Kristi was about my height with a big, beautiful smile that fills up the room. Her laugh is infectious and I felt comfortable with her immediately.
Her family greeted us with open arms and big hugs. Her husband, who I now affectionately refer to as "Hot Toddy", is tall and handsome, with a cool, deep voice. Kristi's 3 adorable children hugged us tight, they were so genuine. I was so impressed with how Kristi asked each of the children questions about themselves. It wasn't just about us, it was about the kids too.
We spent the next couple of days with Tyler, Kristi and their families. I fell in love with their kids, their dogs, them. The kids laughed like they had known each other forever. We watched silly movies, talked, cried, looked at photos, ate yummy food. We were learning to be a family.
With heavy hearts, we packed up the car and headed for Kansas to meet Rhonda and Anastasia, promising to stop by again on our way home.
Rhonda is a tiny little woman, she stands maybe 5'1 or so and gives the best hugs. Anastasia is a vibrant, joyful and blatantly honest. Quickly, Rhonda's house filled with her family from all over, excited to meet us. I told Rhonda about my nightly panic attacks and she said not to worry a bit. I could wake her up if I needed to. That night I woke up again around 2 in a panic, vomiting, sweating. I went into her room and she simply lifted the covers for me to lay down with her. My mind calmed, I slept. The next night I didn't wake up sick. I was comfortable there. My heart was safe there.
We spent our days cooking together, laughing, crying, playing with miniature horses, drinking coffee and playing with our dogs. Rhonda doled out endless hugs and support.
Next we were off to AZ, where I grew up. I welcomed the break from new meeting people, from the emotion of it all. I spent the next few days driving through the most beautiful parts of the United States, singing at the top of my lungs as I drove. (My poor children 😂)
**All 6 parts are now posted**
Love you Tia ❣ Wow! I'm really enjoying reading about your biological family.
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