Back in Tucson, surrounded by my family, I was numb. Going through the motions. Halloween came and went, I know I was there, but I wasn't. Ange flew in to drive back with us, she couldn't have come at a better time.
As we drove back across the United States, I read books, trying to fill my brain with anything other than the information that was circulating in my head. I tried to focus on Jimmy, Robin, Nancy. I learned everything I could about milking goats, watching YouTube videos and reading blogs.
Our first night in a hotel on the way home, I had another panic attack. The kids were used to this by now, "Oh Mommy will be fine in a little bit, she just has to catch her breath and barf", Maddix explained to Ange casually. Ange, never the worrier, remained steady in her kindness and support. I had another panic attack in the car as we passed only a few exits from where J*** lived.
Panic attacks were easier with Ange there. I could walk around outside the hotel room, look at the sky, breathe.
We stopped in Arkansas on our way home. There we met Aunt Thelma and her family. Their houses sit together on the same plot of land on the most beautiful mountain top. The trees were changing and the air was crisp. Thelma was my size, quick witted and an animal lover. She woke up crazy early like me. We had deep conversations and sometimes cried together. She and I had so much fun teasing each other and spending time with her son, his wife and their dogs. Her other son was off trucking, so we got to know his wife and kids that live on the property as well. We went shopping in Branson and took shots of moonshine together. 🤢 The 2 days passed quickly and it was time to go again. I tried to steal her dog, Darcy, but Thelma refused. When I'd call Darcy MY dog, I loved how it bristled Aunt Thelma.
We headed back to Missouri to see Kristi, just as we had promised we would. Tyler was out of town. Again, we spent the evening talking, laughing and getting to know each other. The kids acted like old friends, they felt comfortable. Kage and Hot Toddy were basically besties at this point. I was grateful Ange was with us to meet them. Kristi had been there for me every single day of my trip, texting and supporting me. It couldn't have been easy for her either. The truth about David cut her too. It cut us all.
The next day, it was time to drive home. I was listening to music again and sharing some songs with Ange. I wanted to listen to the songs that hurt, so I could get through them and feel okay again. There was one specific song we listened to over and over until it didn't make me cry anymore. Ange was so patient, listening to this song on repeat, holding my hand, sometimes shedding tears of her own at this point. I wanted my freedom back. I wanted to be able to turn on the radio and be okay. I was so sick of being sad. So I pushed myself through the pain like a bull, refusing to stop.
Back in the 90s when the song came out, I sang it loudly in the car thinking of Tisba. Here's the song and lyrics if you're interested, if not, just skip ahead.
Please Remember Me- Tim McGraw
"All our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
New wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Just like the waves down by the shore
We're gonna keep on comin' back for more
'Cause we don't ever want to stop
Out in this brave new world you'll see
Ov'r the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Remember me when you're out walking
When snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleeping
And moonlight falls across your floor
And I can't hurt you anymore
You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Please remember me"
Finally, we were home. I threw myself back into life. The kids were still homeschooling through all this, dinners still had to be made, life went on, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
I remember clearly the day Sunday-Rose asked why Grandma J*** never called her. "Grandma J***?!" I had never put those words together like that. It was then I realized my kids had had hopes and expectations too. They thought they were gaining a Grandma that would call them, ask about school, send birthday cards with $5! J*** was never going to be that for them, she just didn't have it in her.
J*** was messaging on and off still. I was not very receptive, but I wanted to be. When her messages were nice, I felt overwhelming guilt that Stephanie, Kristi, David, Tyler and Andi were not getting the same messages. While visiting with Stephanie, my phone buzzed with a message from J***. A look of pain shot across Stephanie's face. I could almost feel her heart sink as she realized J*** was messaging me way more than she ever messaged her. I knew Stephanie and J*** had their own issues, their own past, things that didn't involve me and that I would probably never understand. But as a Mother, I couldn't understand letting those things that separated them remain. Why wasn't J*** trying to fix their broken relationship?
J*** and I fell into a pattern: She would message something cryptic, usually on a Monday, I'd panic and throw up. Then spend the week trying to figure it what she meant, stressing over every word. By Friday, I'd stopped throwing up. Saturday, I'd stopped crying over the text. Sunday, I was back to myself. Monday, she would message again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Other than the first time we spoke, J*** never mentioned my kids, never asked me much about myself or Ange. She wanted me to know she was a victim, that she was sick. That she spent her days sick in bed. Those things were important to her. She also liked to talk trash about her other children. I called it "common enemy" mentality. She wanted me to get down in the trenches with her. She seemed to perk up when there was any drama going on. Years ago, I would have invited this kind of dynamic into my life. I know how to gossip! But I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to have to come up with something negative or dramatic to be able to speak my birth mother. Listen to me, so mature, right? Yeah, no.
One day, I got a message from J*** saying she wanted to confront me about something and wanted my email address to send her letter to. I asked her what the email was about, she wouldn't say. I waited an hour, of course sick because this was just life now. No email came. I asked J*** when the email was coming. "When I get to it", she snipped. Does this woman not understand how anxiety works?! My stomach was going to gnaw through itself with worry by the time she got around to it! I asked her that next time she needed to confront me about something, to please not tell me before she sends the email, my body doesn't work like that. J*** told me to "get off my back legs with her." Having no clue what this meant, I asked the siblings. Apparently it meant I was challenging her as the alpha dog. I knew she was upset about the trip I had taken. She wanted to confront me about how I had taken the trip without hearing her side of everything that had happened to her in her life that got her to that point. The fact was, nothing she could have said, nothing that could have happened to her, would have been enough for everything to be okay. Nothing. I didn't know how to tell her that.
I should have just blocked her right then, but I didn't. I felt like blocking her meant defeat. That she had won, she had broken me. I felt like blocking her meant there would be this negativity out there of my own making. And, I just wasn't ready to give up hope yet. Hope that the conversations with her were going to become what I needed them to be.
Soon after, A***** and I got to talking and without stopping myself, I repeated the trash J*** told me about A***** months back. Of course, she confronted J*** because like me, she doesn't have much self control either. J*** was rightfully angry and made a passive aggressive post about me on Facebook, I unfriended her. Was this how is was going to be now? I wasn't proud of myself. I was getting down to a level I was ashamed to see myself stoop to.
Around March, B******* was ready to meet. She and A***** were kind of enigmas to me now. Popping up, then disappearing. So when B******* said she was ready, I jumped at it. Sunday-Rose and I drove up to VA and spent the evening with Stephanie and her family. Stephanie and I had seen each other 3 times now and were really comfortable together. We talked about absolutely everything under the sun with ease.
The next morning, Stephanie had a meeting to run to, so we headed to B******'s. Pulling up to the house I was filled with so many emotions. This was the elusive B******* and probably the closest person to J*** besides A*****.
B******* opened the door and welcomed us. B******* was taller than me, thin, with long dark hair, a natural beauty. She dressed well, her house was immaculate and she had made a beautiful lunch for us. Her husband was handsome, and her kids looked like little versions of him. She was understandably stand off-ish, but was trying not to be. Our conversation was awkward at first, until she asked me my story. I sat down with a box of tissues, sent the kids up to play and told my story. Or, a very short version of it anyway. B******* listened intently to every detail. She didn't seem shocked by any of it. My heart ached for her. I wished she had been a little shocked because it would have meant she hadn't been dealing with these hard conversations all her life, but with J*** as her only Mom, I knew her life had been hard. She shared some of her own details with me. After that, we were perfectly fine. The awkwardness was mostly gone. We had dealt with the elephant in the room. Later, Stephanie showed up and we carried on talking, like sisters, until it was time for Sunday-Rose and I to head home.
A***** was messaging again on and off. Usually about music. It was like she knew when I needed her, when I needed music. We swapped stories about each song, sometimes for an entire day.
My birthday was coming up and I dreaded it this year especially because of the tension between J*** and I. My birthday had always been hard for me. I always thought of Tisba the most on this day. It was the one day of the year I just knew Tisba was thinking of me, and I was thinking of her. I used to sneak away from my own birthday parties, sobbing quietly in the bathroom each year as I thought of my birth mother sobbing as she thought of me. I didn't want her to hurt.
My birthday came and went with no message from J***. "Fine", I thought, it's done, "she must really be mad". Almost a week later, the day my sister A***** delivered my new, adorable nephew, J*** messaged "Happy Birthday!" I snapped back "Thanks we had a great time celebrating last week." "Oh, sh*t, it was the 12th." She messaged back flippantly. Feeling punched in the stomach, I sobbed. She knew when my birthday was. Or maybe she didn't, but she knew how to hurt me. The years I had spent imagining Tisba and I sharing one day a year thinking of each other were gone with one text. J*** took that too. I was done. I blocked her from being able to text anymore. I was done with the weekly texts, done feeling guilty, done with all of it.
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