After my birthday, we got 3 baby goats and bottle raised them. I tried unsuccessfully to take over a friend's store. We got a milking mom goat, and her baby. I learned how to make cheese. I needed to busy my brain.
I went over and over every detail of my life. Every moment looking for signs that I was like Lloyd or J***. When I lost my patience, did my voice sound like hers? My anxious mind played my life over and over for me like a movie I couldn't turn off.
Why couldn't J*** care about my kids? Why couldn't she care about me? Why didn't she call Stephanie and gush over her? Why hadn't she attempted to mend the relationships with all her children? If she was so sick, stuck in bed, why couldn't she turn the damn TV off and focus on what was important? Why did she lie to me all the time? To make her story sound worse? Or better?
Other than from my family, my phone wasn't ringing much anymore and I wasn't getting many texts from friends. It was understandable, I had disappeared on them for almost a year. I felt like I was waking from a dream and everything was different now. I was different now. My brain had changed, my soul had changed. People couldn't understand why I wasn't over this by now, and I wasn't able to tell them so they would understand.
In July, James and his wife were flying in from South Africa to visit. Andi, myself and David met in Sacramento and drove together to Morro Bay. Being in the car with just the three of us was so surreal, but natural. David asked me to tell him when I wanted to stop along the way, and so I did. We stopped often, every stop more beautiful than the last.
Once we got to Morro Bay, we stayed in an RV with Yvonne and John, the 3 of us "kids" finding comfortable spots to sleep in our cozy RV area. Yvonne and John treated us like their own, getting little RV snacks and setting up breakfast foods for us, like I do for my kids. We were so happy to have them join us that week in all we did.
The next morning we headed over to Robin's. Robin and Rob greeted us again with warm hugs and excitement.
Unfortunately, Nancy and her daughter Marcy had been in a bad car accident in Ohio and were recuperating so they weren't able to make it. We missed them terribly.
James and his wife, Judy, had flown in from South Africa! James was shorter than I had imagined, with a deep laugh. He had a calmness about him that I admired. I wondered how much he was like our Father. James and Judy told great stories of their travels, but mostly, they listened to all of us rattle on.
Jimmy, Jennie and Jaime drove up from San Diego. They were funny and vibrant as ever.
We spent the days kayaking and going on long beach walks. Jennie, Jaime and I went and had our aura's read in a cute little shop. We ate tamales from a stand, and giggled like children. Robin had cute one year anniversary shirts made for each of us. Her family sang happy birthday to us, and she even had a cake!
It felt good to be back with the Hopper side of the family. I felt comfortable with them. I wondered if it would ever be like this on the other side. Would we ever be sitting in the same room, much less wearing matching shirts?!
It was time to leave again. David, Andi and I piled into the car and spent the day driving slowly back to Sacramento through San Francisco. We stopped at the Golden Gate Bridge and visited David's childhood home. We spent the last night in David's parents house, Andi and I sharing a room like in the old days.
After I got home, I noticed a shift in myself. I wasn't concerned with the kids little messes anymore. Trinity leaving messes behind her when she visited didn't bother me anymore, I just wanted to be with her. I needed my kids to know how much I loved them, appreciated them. How proud I was of them. I started noticing how I spent meaningful time with each of my kids, like I had watched Jimmy and Robin do with their kids. I laughed at all the little funny things the kids did, like B*******. I treasured every moment with them, like I had seen Kristi do with her kids. I noticed that I stopped what I was doing right that second to play that game they had been begging me to play, like Andi. That I read the book they wanted to read, right then, like my best friend Shelly. I realized I watched the 900 silly video they made, like my sister Nancy watched her daughter's videos. I listened to their favorite KPOP songs even though I didn't understand a word of it, like I knew my cousin's families would have. I listened more than I spoke when spending time with Trinity and Leshae, like I had seen Judy and James do with all of us. I took the kids out in nature, like David enjoys. We cranked up the music in the kitchen, dancing around, like I imagined A***** did in her kitchen with her babies. I played ball with Kage like Tyler had. I took the time to ask the kids questions and do crafts, like Stephanie had. I was silly with the kids again, like Jennie, Jaime and Jessica reminded me to be. I remembered the kind of Mom I wanted to be, the kind of Mom I wished J*** had been to her kids. Everyday I work towards being that Mom.
As far as J***, I don't know where we go from here. Maybe one day I'll unblock her. Would she even message if I did? Was she even capable of cultivating a real relationship with someone? Was she willing to be vulnerable? Was she just going to allow herself to zone out on MS medication until the end came? I want to scream at her "Why not choose love? Why not choose life instead of sickness? Why not get out of that bed and step into life?! Why not WAKE UP and mend the relationships around you? I promise, you're missing out! Why? You're capable of more and you know it. Pick up the phone and stop the excuses! If that's hard for you, send emails. Start with the youngest and work your way back. Tell them how sorry you are. Answer every question with honesty. We want to hear your story. The real one. We will listen to your truth without judgment." Maybe one day, I'll tell her that.
I try now, to focus on those who focus on us. There are so many loving, caring and accepting people in our lives. I try to stop my anxious mind from wondering about the rest. I still think of J*** often, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I can listen to any music I want to now. (Okay, not Billy Gilman- Oklahoma. That'll still put me on the floor in the fetal position.) My siblings' stories still make my stomach hurt, but I don't throw up over it anymore. I'm healing, and it's slow, but it's happening.
I feel like the path to forgiveness has a lot of pit stops. First, I have to let go of hope. Hope that things will change, hope for more, hope for a healed relationship.
Next is acceptance. I need to accept the past and accept that it can not be changed. I need to be able to accept J*** just as she is and just as she is not.
Forgiveness. I forgave her long ago for leaving. It's the pain in my siblings' eyes that's hard to forgive. The ongoing pain that they all feel everyday. The sadness my kids feel over their very real loss of what might have been. My sister B******* told me this recently "Forgiving is an everyday task." I couldn't have said it better myself.
I want everyone reading to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am humbled by the overwhelming support I have received while writing and sharing my story. The support from my siblings to write this, some of them crying along with me as they approved each chapter before I posted it. Others sending supportive texts. Friends, cousins, family members from all over the world sending hearts, comments and messages. My wife, who shed tears with me, added commas, corrected my spelling, and held my hand through every moment of this last year. I love you so much.
My heart is so full as I think of all of you now. What a journey. What beautiful, vibrant, alive people. I've won the lottery. And I am so very grateful.
I will continue this blog now, including the goats, chickens and all the rest of it. Because my life is more than milking goats and cooking. I can't be my authentic self without you all knowing that.
I want to end this post with the best quote I've ever heard about adoption.
"Adoption stories almost never have a beautiful beginning, but they can have a beautiful ending."
I went over and over every detail of my life. Every moment looking for signs that I was like Lloyd or J***. When I lost my patience, did my voice sound like hers? My anxious mind played my life over and over for me like a movie I couldn't turn off.
Why couldn't J*** care about my kids? Why couldn't she care about me? Why didn't she call Stephanie and gush over her? Why hadn't she attempted to mend the relationships with all her children? If she was so sick, stuck in bed, why couldn't she turn the damn TV off and focus on what was important? Why did she lie to me all the time? To make her story sound worse? Or better?
Other than from my family, my phone wasn't ringing much anymore and I wasn't getting many texts from friends. It was understandable, I had disappeared on them for almost a year. I felt like I was waking from a dream and everything was different now. I was different now. My brain had changed, my soul had changed. People couldn't understand why I wasn't over this by now, and I wasn't able to tell them so they would understand.
In July, James and his wife were flying in from South Africa to visit. Andi, myself and David met in Sacramento and drove together to Morro Bay. Being in the car with just the three of us was so surreal, but natural. David asked me to tell him when I wanted to stop along the way, and so I did. We stopped often, every stop more beautiful than the last.
Once we got to Morro Bay, we stayed in an RV with Yvonne and John, the 3 of us "kids" finding comfortable spots to sleep in our cozy RV area. Yvonne and John treated us like their own, getting little RV snacks and setting up breakfast foods for us, like I do for my kids. We were so happy to have them join us that week in all we did.
The next morning we headed over to Robin's. Robin and Rob greeted us again with warm hugs and excitement.
Unfortunately, Nancy and her daughter Marcy had been in a bad car accident in Ohio and were recuperating so they weren't able to make it. We missed them terribly.
James and his wife, Judy, had flown in from South Africa! James was shorter than I had imagined, with a deep laugh. He had a calmness about him that I admired. I wondered how much he was like our Father. James and Judy told great stories of their travels, but mostly, they listened to all of us rattle on.
Jimmy, Jennie and Jaime drove up from San Diego. They were funny and vibrant as ever.
We spent the days kayaking and going on long beach walks. Jennie, Jaime and I went and had our aura's read in a cute little shop. We ate tamales from a stand, and giggled like children. Robin had cute one year anniversary shirts made for each of us. Her family sang happy birthday to us, and she even had a cake!
It felt good to be back with the Hopper side of the family. I felt comfortable with them. I wondered if it would ever be like this on the other side. Would we ever be sitting in the same room, much less wearing matching shirts?!
It was time to leave again. David, Andi and I piled into the car and spent the day driving slowly back to Sacramento through San Francisco. We stopped at the Golden Gate Bridge and visited David's childhood home. We spent the last night in David's parents house, Andi and I sharing a room like in the old days.
After I got home, I noticed a shift in myself. I wasn't concerned with the kids little messes anymore. Trinity leaving messes behind her when she visited didn't bother me anymore, I just wanted to be with her. I needed my kids to know how much I loved them, appreciated them. How proud I was of them. I started noticing how I spent meaningful time with each of my kids, like I had watched Jimmy and Robin do with their kids. I laughed at all the little funny things the kids did, like B*******. I treasured every moment with them, like I had seen Kristi do with her kids. I noticed that I stopped what I was doing right that second to play that game they had been begging me to play, like Andi. That I read the book they wanted to read, right then, like my best friend Shelly. I realized I watched the 900 silly video they made, like my sister Nancy watched her daughter's videos. I listened to their favorite KPOP songs even though I didn't understand a word of it, like I knew my cousin's families would have. I listened more than I spoke when spending time with Trinity and Leshae, like I had seen Judy and James do with all of us. I took the kids out in nature, like David enjoys. We cranked up the music in the kitchen, dancing around, like I imagined A***** did in her kitchen with her babies. I played ball with Kage like Tyler had. I took the time to ask the kids questions and do crafts, like Stephanie had. I was silly with the kids again, like Jennie, Jaime and Jessica reminded me to be. I remembered the kind of Mom I wanted to be, the kind of Mom I wished J*** had been to her kids. Everyday I work towards being that Mom.
As far as J***, I don't know where we go from here. Maybe one day I'll unblock her. Would she even message if I did? Was she even capable of cultivating a real relationship with someone? Was she willing to be vulnerable? Was she just going to allow herself to zone out on MS medication until the end came? I want to scream at her "Why not choose love? Why not choose life instead of sickness? Why not get out of that bed and step into life?! Why not WAKE UP and mend the relationships around you? I promise, you're missing out! Why? You're capable of more and you know it. Pick up the phone and stop the excuses! If that's hard for you, send emails. Start with the youngest and work your way back. Tell them how sorry you are. Answer every question with honesty. We want to hear your story. The real one. We will listen to your truth without judgment." Maybe one day, I'll tell her that.
I try now, to focus on those who focus on us. There are so many loving, caring and accepting people in our lives. I try to stop my anxious mind from wondering about the rest. I still think of J*** often, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I can listen to any music I want to now. (Okay, not Billy Gilman- Oklahoma. That'll still put me on the floor in the fetal position.) My siblings' stories still make my stomach hurt, but I don't throw up over it anymore. I'm healing, and it's slow, but it's happening.
I feel like the path to forgiveness has a lot of pit stops. First, I have to let go of hope. Hope that things will change, hope for more, hope for a healed relationship.
Next is acceptance. I need to accept the past and accept that it can not be changed. I need to be able to accept J*** just as she is and just as she is not.
Forgiveness. I forgave her long ago for leaving. It's the pain in my siblings' eyes that's hard to forgive. The ongoing pain that they all feel everyday. The sadness my kids feel over their very real loss of what might have been. My sister B******* told me this recently "Forgiving is an everyday task." I couldn't have said it better myself.
I want everyone reading to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am humbled by the overwhelming support I have received while writing and sharing my story. The support from my siblings to write this, some of them crying along with me as they approved each chapter before I posted it. Others sending supportive texts. Friends, cousins, family members from all over the world sending hearts, comments and messages. My wife, who shed tears with me, added commas, corrected my spelling, and held my hand through every moment of this last year. I love you so much.
My heart is so full as I think of all of you now. What a journey. What beautiful, vibrant, alive people. I've won the lottery. And I am so very grateful.
I will continue this blog now, including the goats, chickens and all the rest of it. Because my life is more than milking goats and cooking. I can't be my authentic self without you all knowing that.
I want to end this post with the best quote I've ever heard about adoption.
"Adoption stories almost never have a beautiful beginning, but they can have a beautiful ending."
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