There was a new name, a new lead, and that name was Stephanie T. Andi and I messaged every person with that name that we could find. No responses. I was also messaging every Tisba Fagan I could find. Full on "Are you my Mother?" Some people responded, most didn't. I remember one lady who told me to be cautious about looking for Tisba. What a crazy thing to say! Tisba was gonna be THRILLED to be found! Our baby brother too!
Talking still with Rhonda and Anastasia, they were combing through cousins names. I remember Rhonda mentioned a long lost cousin J***. J*** I thought, what a strange name! Maybe she is Tisba's sister!
Reviewing names on Ancestry, 23andme and anywhere else we could find, we came across a name, Adriana. I messaged her and told her about Tisba, and sent a photo. "This is my cousin J***" she exclaimed! My mouth went dry. Adriana asked to call. My heart felt like it was in my throat. "Is she alive?" I asked. "Yes, but she's very, very sick." My heart dropped. "Our brother, our little brother, do you know where he is?" "David! Yes!"
David- the name filled my head. DAVID! Our David!! Our baby brother! I knew his name was David! I knew it! My heart burst with joy! DAVID!!
Adriana called J*** and relayed a few messages to me. J*** first asked if I was mad. Mad?! Why in the world would I be mad?! Next she asked me not to speak to her daughter A*****. Unfortunately, in my excitement, I had already messaged A*****. I asked Adriana to ask J*** if David had the same father as us. She said no. Damn, I thought, but whatever, David was ours now. Toward the end of the conversation, J*** mentioned our names. Felicia and Andrea. Wait, what!?!? My name is Laticia and Andi's middle name is Felicia. Wait a minute... J*** didn't remember my name?!?! I threw up.
I called Andi and told her everything. A rage came over Andi that I had never seen or heard before. A guttural sound came from her throat, a screaming painful cry. "SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME?!?!" Andi went to our adoptive Mom's house and sobbed for hours. Thank God our Mom was so supportive.
I remember vividly the day we told Rhonda and Anastasia. Their response was -"Oh no. You're J***'s?!" Rhonda warned me to be careful, I didn't listen. I dove right in, head first.
The next day, J*** was set to call me. I couldn't eat, I had barely slept, my stomach was in knots. The phone rang. "Laticia?" Her voice was soft and twangy. Okay, so she does remember my name! Or maybe someone told her between then and now. None of that mattered now, she was on the phone with me and she was nice! We talked for over an hour. One time during the conversation, she heard the kids playing and asked to be able to listen to them play. Wow, I thought! This lady really cares about my kids, about me! J*** told me we have 3 younger sisters, B*******, A***** and Stephanie. That she lives in Oklahoma, has MS and is married to a trucker. I asked her to call Andi and speak with her, and she did. She told me David had been either a product of rape from her father, or that his father was a horrible man named David. Either way, he wasn't a Hopper. She told me how easy it would have been to find her, if we had been looking. I reminded her then of the name on my birth certificate. She laughed and said "Oh that's right!! Hahaha!" I sat there stunned. My heart fell to my stomach, but okay fine, I'd get over it. No big deal, just 12 years looking for a person who didn't exist. Hilarious!
David, as it turned out, had just been visiting with Stephanie when I first called him. He had to pull over, he was so excited to talk to us. He was happy, lived a simple life as a trucker and travels a lot. This was the beginning of what now has become a beautiful sibling relationship.
Stephanie and I began speaking, and I wanted to know everything. Her stories, her truths, my new truths, were horrific. The pain she had gone through, the disappointment, the emotional abandonment. I was sick. Sick in my heart, sick to my stomach. Sick.
I started speaking to A*****. Her stories were even worse. The life she had lived, the hell she had gone through. Their stories swirled in my head hour after hour. I woke up with them in my head, went to sleep thinking of them, it was all consuming.
The hardest new truth was learning that there was another set of kids that J*** had left. Kristi and Tyler had been left by her around the same age she left us. 3 and 5. This broke me. I was devastated.
I started thinking of excuses for J***. Who was I to judge her? I certainly hadn't been a perfect Mom. What would my oldest, Trinity, have to say about me if asked? There have been times in my life I have drank too much, I had issues with drugs in my 20's, I wasn't always there emotionally. Did these things even compare to the stories I was hearing? How can I continue to persue a relationship with a woman like this?!
J*** and I were texting quite a bit then. Sharing our favorite songs, favorite colors, little stories. There was some strain in these text messages that I tried to ignore. She would sometimes disappear during what I felt was a deep, important conversation. Other times my texts would accidentally send twice because my signal is terrible. She would snip at me as if I was trying to provoke her. I began feeling nervous when we messaged. Like I was one word away from offending her all the time, but I wanted to give her a chance.
That all changed August 11th, 2018, the first time I spoke to Kristi. Her story, Tyler's story, it absolutely crushed me. I was sick everyday now. Sobbing from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I couldn't go out, I would sob. This wasn't a normal cry, it's the kind that only come from the deepest of wounds. The kind that starts in the pit of your soul, the mournful sobs, the deep hollow cry. I spent early mornings sobbing to my Mom on the phone. She was always willing to listen. I cried on Ange more times than I count. I became concerned about myself. Would I ever stop crying?! Could I ever be myself again?
The answer is yes, because my siblings are incredible people. We messaged day and night, Stephanie always there, David and Kristi too. Andi and I were talking every single day. Crying together sometimes. We all had a bond, it was instant and unwavering. Eventually, Tyler started speaking with me too. If I could focus on them, on their kids, on all the positives, I'd get through this. We would ALL get through this.
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