J*** Brain

My wife, Ange, just took the kids to NJ to visit her family for 4 days. I have to stay home to care for the animals and milk the goat! This is the first time I've been home alone, overnight, since Trinity was 3, almost 17 years ago. I was going to college at night and had a full time job that started early in the morning, so my parents watched her on school nights. My mind races thinking of all the things I can finally do! Read without interruption, pee alone, watch a movie from beginning to end,  eat food without sharing, nap, kayak without fearing for someone else's life the entire time! And then.. while thinking of those things, it happens. My mind flips back to J***, my birth mother.  What did she do after she left Andi and I? Or Kristi and Tyler? Did she enjoy her time alone? Or was she so riddled with guilt that she couldn't? Is that why she's so sickly now? Because of all those guilty, negative, dark feelings. Are they eating her up inside? I hope she was able to be find some happiness.

I call it "J*** Brain". The days I can't stop thinking of her, wondering about her. I wonder what she's doing. What is she thinking about? Can it really be possible that after knowing each other for only a year, that we have nothing more to say?! Why doesn't she care about my family? Is she mad at me? Is she hurt by me?

As I write this, in this moment, I'm reminded so much of myself as a little girl. Crying to my new Mom every night, asking the very same questions I'm asking myself now. "Why? Why? Why doesn't she want me? Why doesn't she love me?" Then I beat myself up, "Tia! Stop this! Please! You should be over this by now! No one wants to hear that you still sob on your bathroom floor over this! Everyone wants to hear about you've been able to focus on the positives! Come on! Stop this! This is embarrassing! Why can't you just stop being so emotional?! If your sister's knew you were still crying over this, they'd laugh at you!"

My inner voice isn't very nice sometimes, but growing up, I was taught to push my reactions down and put on a happy face. My Mom would say, as she applied her lipstick, "all you need is lipstick and a smile." If you know me, you know I always have that lipstick on! Usually a smile to go with it. I concentrate on the good, my siblings, their babies, cousins, new relationships. I know how blessed I am. How do I stop this pain in my heart? Time?

I've decided to allow myself to cry when I need to. For as long as I need to. But when will this end? When will I feel like myself again?

I want to be sure to always raise my kids in an environment where they can be free to express anger, hurt and frustration in a constructive way. I think they should be allowed to scream in their rooms if they need to. I want them to find the things that soothe their souls and have those things available to them. Whether that be music, horses, animals, dance, art or education.

Maybe healing comes with the acceptance that I have to allow myself to feel, to react. I need to give myself permission to feel anyway it is I feel. I need to be more gentle with myself. I also need to go milk the goat.

I'm going to spend the day reading in my hammock, sharing carrots with my goats if you need me. 😘

Update: What I actually did in those 4 days:

I filled and sanded every hole in my deck before it gets painted this week.

Read 2 really good books! A Beautiful Terrible Thing and Boy Lost.

Trinity came and spent 3 days with me. We went out to lunch, shopped, and watched the creepiest movie ever! Tusk. Nope, nope, nope. 

I also watched the entire new season of AHS. I think it was the best one yet!

I listened to Shania Twain's "Up" about 150 times.

I spent hours in the quiet, meditating, finding my inner self. 

A and I spent a few hours trading songs. She always sends the best songs.

I spent hours texting my sister B. I can't express what it feels like to begin building such a rewarding relationship with another sibling. 

I spent hours upon hours in my hammock, thinking, reading, resting.